I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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