If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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