When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
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