Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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