I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
