True but thats because hes a fetus.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
