Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
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I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
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I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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