For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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