Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
my mouth tastes like poor choices
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
