Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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