the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
