How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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