Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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