I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
