Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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