fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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