He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
