it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
