Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
there is glitter all over my balls
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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