My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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