can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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