My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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