I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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