Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
there is puke in my bra ... again
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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