So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
