remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
