Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
