i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
