Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
