I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You brought string cheese to the strip club
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
