I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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