Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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