my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
