so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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