I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
