He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
