if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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