Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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