Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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