He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
