I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Randomize
