i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
