I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
