Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
