Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
