You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
