We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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