I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Randomize
