Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
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And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
This is the high leading the old right now
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It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji