Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
