is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
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