let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
