Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
