John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
