You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
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