how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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