you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
