I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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